I must be too annoying 4 u.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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