I'm laying in your front yard are you home
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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