I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
