did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
