the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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