Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
