I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
