I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
