New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
