oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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