fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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