I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
