Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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