Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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