she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
