Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
