K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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