Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
