never play flip cup with pint glasses
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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