I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
