Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
