the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
