Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
