There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
