I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
