If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
