is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
