Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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