My sheets look like a crime scene.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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