There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
