Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
