yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize