Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
