3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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