she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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