I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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