You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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