My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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