If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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