What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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