Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I think my moral compass just broke
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
