If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
