I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
