If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
