R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
