Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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