Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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