how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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