"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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