Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
