Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
We are two peas in an std pod
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
