you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
