there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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