My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
