I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
