All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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