I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
