Do you still have your period?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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