I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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