Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
