I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
