When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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